Everyday, hundreds of kids on the Internet ask me to teach them how to troll. I think that half of these kids are probably in their thirties.
If you are not familiar with trolling, then it’s advised that you leave immediately.
The purpose of trolling is to generate lulz. And it’s brilliant because other people do most of the work for you, once you’ve set the bait. Most humans view trolls as basement-dwelling idiots with no life and little to no experience in the sunlight. This couldn’t be further from the truth.
Trolls are among the highest members of society. The elite, the unknown, the mysterious, the intelligent, the wise. Most trolls live in America, because Americans are the smartest, sharpest, quickest, and least obese people in the world.
When you’re sitting at work on the computer and there is no demanding task at the moment, the need for trolling may arise. All of your big projects are back at home and you have 15 minutes to spare. So you can either waste time reading cracked.com articles or get something done by trolling and producing your own creative satire.
One of the most successful groups of IRL(in real life) trolls is Westboro Baptist Church. They are so good, that they make money and get free publicity while trolling. The brilliance here is evident in their ability to troll two groups simultaneously–Christians and atheists (which is surprisingly easy, which also brings about another interesting point I’ll save for another time). This is due to Poe’s Law–it’s difficult, if not impossible, to distinguish between parodies of religious or other fundamentalism and its genuine proponents, since they both seem equally insane.
If you have ever been angry at Westboro Baptist Church, then I’m afraid to inform you that you’ve been a victim of trolling. Their website is titled “godhatesfags.com” after all, so any moron with half a brain should be able to realize they’re not being serious. If you really want to get rid of them, shut up and stop mentioning them or acknowledging them. Every time you do, it gives them more power over you. But people are not going to do this, because everyone is an idiot.
Anyway, those are just a couple of examples of dominant trolls. I will now go through some guidelines for trolling. Then I will provide a few simple examples after you have mastered the basics. And then I will provide a full example from my past experience.
A troll’s environment is critical to the operation. Forums are a common place, as well as YouTube and Facebook. Trolling on Facebook can be difficult, but very rewarding, since many people are so concerned about their image. I great place to do some quick, basic trolling is in the YouTube comments. A bunch of no-lifers roam these comments, hungry for fierce debates. You can take full advantage of this opportunity.
Make sure your profile is convincing if you choose a forum. It really depends on the type of forum. The goal is to get people to think you’re being serious in all of your words, when you’re actually not.
Selecting A Victim
The most efficient form of victim is one who takes themselves too seriously. These victims are most likely to give a huge emotional response. And if lucky, the trolling of a single victim like this can go on for weeks, or even longer. Typically, these victims are the first to post something, and the troll attacks.
Sometimes, the victims will come to you, assuming you set the bait correctly. This way is much more efficient for drawing in large numbers of victims. You will see this demonstrated at the end of this article.
A troll must not take himself or herself seriously. This is the key ingredient to being a successful troll. A good way to tell if you take yourself too seriously is to read encyclopedia dramatica (an article about something you like). If you are offended and hurt, you are in good shape and will never be trolled.
A common tactic is to repeatedly use one sentence to state your position. Then allow the victim to write a paragraph for each of your sentences. You could write an entire college essay using this method, constructed of the victim’s responses.
A great way to attract multiple victims is to trick everyone into thinking that you’re some kind of idiot. They will proceed with endless put-downs against you. And you just keep the ball rolling with more trickery.
The following are a couple of basic trolling samples. I never actually carried these out–they are hypothetical.
Premise: The troll is roaming a hunting forum.
Troll: I don’t understand you people. You go around killing all the animals for fun, for your own enjoyment. You separate the animals from their families and leave them stranded to starve and die. It’s very bad for the environment, too.
Victim: Dear sir, you are very confused. Hunting is actually good for the environment because the hunting community ensures that wildlife populations of game species are sustainable from one generation to the next. This requires that a diversity of natural habitats be kept intact, unpolluted, and undisturbed. Hunters support all these efforts.
Troll: I still don’t know why you people are so evil. You are going to burn in Hell for all the murdering you’ve done. You should consider becoming a vegan. Ever since I did, my life has been so much better and I am more pure than ever.
Victim: I’m sorry to hear that. It would be nice if we could enjoy our hobby and not be bothered by kids like you.
Other Victim: GET OUT QUEER BOY.
Commentary: If I was this troll, I’d have nothing in common with his or her point of view. Sometimes, this makes trolling easier, especially for beginners. This troll will probably have a PETA profile picture and have a link to an environmentalist website, for extra lulz.
Premise: The victim here might not be saying this word for word, but it’s all implied. This could be IRL or online.
Victim: I’m kind of a big deal, I go to an expensive, public university and am majoring in [insert science/engineering degree]. I got an A in every class last semester, but this semester I might be getting a B in [insert junior+ level class]. I’m so screwed.
Troll: I learn twice as much as you from my room and local library, for $39,800 less. Looks like you have security issues, and need external validation from businesses and people who want to steal your money and value. Have fun wasting money, bitch.
Commentary: This is what I like to call honest trolling. The troll uses his or her own opinions to create an argument, and casts it at the victim in such a way to provoke a response. This is only recommended for experienced trolls, as beginner trolls may actually end up getting involved in a heated debate. In cases like this, when the victim is an arrogant imbecile, it will be easier for the troll.
A Real Example
Below is one of my past experiences when trolling forums of wannabe hackers. I think I took about 15 minutes to create the bait at work one day. I’m the first poster (Jingle-Berry), click the image and start at the top to have the full experience.